React.

I got really stressed out, and somehow this came out of it.

It feels like each day I wake up from dreams, and slip into the realm of sad realities. Watching the clock tick, for every hour of each day, wondering if the pain will subdue. It never does, It hasn't for weeks. Slowly I'll manage to pull myself from the safety in the blankets, and leave the peace of my dreams. Is this all a dream? I wish, but these old faded light blue Converses seem to say time is passing at an alarming rate. Where did the months go, all blurred into one mass of teardrops upon the piles of paperwork. It's all slowly building up. I still can't move from this warmth, this safety.

But like all good things, it must come to an end. This never felt so wrong, each muscle spasms with hopes to stay motionless. Trying to trance my body into a state of numbness, breathing in and out. I watch the light reflect over the worn down strings of that beautiful Ibanez guitar, bringing safety from within the madness. I've never been a godly person, but now would be the perfect time to start.

The clock reads 7:13. Where has the time gone, I should have left hours ago, but my body feels so numb. It feels safety. I need to awaken, and somehow find the strength to allow myself that everything will be okay. But I don't know.

I open my eyes, and look outside upon the City. It's a wreck, the ocean is colliding with safety of the City. It's the only home I've ever known, so why do I feel so alone? It's time to react. I pull myself from the wooden bed, the soft plaid covers and react.

So I hit a parked car XD

I'm a junior in High School, I really shouldn't complain about being so stressed now when life's just going to get harder I'd imagine. Talking with Greg helped, but.. it's still an odd thing. But today, hugging him after he told me what he'd done, well, for the first time in awhile it felt right. I really don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

I know it's wrong I hit a parked car Saturday, god that was bad. So much stress, than come home freak out OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, freak out hysterically crying.. not good.

Hopefully my parents will let me drive to CCD tonight, but I wouldn't expect them to let me. But I really hope, I need to get in the car again to improve and make sure that mistake never happens again, it was while parking anyway. I wasn't actually on the road at least, and no insurance claims filled. The whole Greg thing is so confusing, I have no clue what I want anymore. I have no clue what I want to be, if we're meant to be together, and If I love him like he loves me. I hate this, I wish love was easier to solve.

This is all wrong

None of this feels right.
Your arms around me don't feel like they belong there.
Your hand on the shy of my back doesn't belong there.
Every touch, hug, kiss, none of it feels right anymore.
This can't be love, not for me. This shouldn't be so stressful, it shouldn't feel so wrong. By wrong, I mean it feels like.. no, your arms shouldn't be there. It's not even someone else, it's just all wrong. Tension is rising enough for me being off my medicine, and I bet that is playing a big part in this. But I don't want to spent my life, taking pills just to feel alone. I can do that without pills, nothing else needed.

I don't know what's going on in my head at this point, nothing feels right. Just feels like a desire, that I enjoy the attention, maybe the lust of it all. I need to stay off the Zoloft, I don't want to go back even if I'm worse now. I'm off it, and I want to stay that way.

Time to go ask Mom for some wine, that always helps. I love my parents at times, the fact I can drink wine with my Mother is relaxing, it's like our little bonding time.

I want some white wine

Today, school wasn't as bad as it usually was, I didn't go to my cross country meet today, had a low grade fever. This is the first day in weeks I've been home after school, it feels so weird. But this morning in homeroom, I brought in Mugglecast's "Harry Potter Should Have Died." Listening to everyone, debate these topics of the book, well made me feel like I can actually fit in sometimes. Ever since I stopped meds, it's been harder than ever. But, well, being alone isn't so bad, you get used to the feeling after so long. It's better than waking up everyday needing pills to function, well I still do.. I just need a few less.

I really miss the days before all this happened, years ago really. Maybe this year i'll try to include myself more, but I still see no point in it. One day maybe, I can wake up no fear at all, no medicene needed, one day maybe. But for now, I'm content with this feeling of being alone. Greg knows too, It must not be easy for him either, I know I mean everything to him, but that doesn't seem to effect me anymore.

Trig, Chemistry, Adv Drawing, a typical day. Lord, I need some white wine, always calms the nerves lately. Not a good habit, but it does help relax me.

Too shy for school musicals

Since my last post, I've been so busy but at the same time so busy doing "nothing." By nothing, I mean playing guitar, listening to music, becoming obsessive over Lady GaGa's VMA Performance, looking into buying a digital grand piano.. and well.. basically putting aside homework and everything else.

First off, oh my, Lady GaGa has become like my idol, I adore her, I don't care what anyone says about her. Her outfits, well.. I wish I had her clothes, for starters I dislike pants.. and she doesn't wear pants much, works well. She killed it at the VMA's, watching the blood and her cry on stage like that, I just wish I could be like her. She worked so hard to get to where she's at.. and me? I'm too scared to try out for the bloody school musical.. been too scared since 6th grade. Maybe that's why I throw myself into playing music, it's isolation. But yeah, I look up to her, I remember looking at her quotes online.. "I don't want a Range Rover or Diamonds, I want your soul." Well, you certainly got me, I adore her. Her clothes, her performances, her attitude, I wish I could do that.. but instead I'm the girl too shy to audition for a school musical.

:(

I don't even know how to write how I feel currently. Everything's spinning in my head and I have no clue what I want or need anymore. Maybe I should just ask this question? If someone says they truely love you.. yet they seem to hurt you so often through dumb choices, what do you do. I don't even know what's going on anymore, I just feel so broken apart I can't even tell.

It's just a mess. I needed to write something, needed to try to get some emotion out, to try to help myself.

I've got Chipotle!

I hate AP classes, though I do have Chipotle right now. The school year just began for me last Thursday and I already feel behind on the work load. Let's just take a look here at the awesomeness that is my junior year schedule.

A1- Advanced Painting
A2- Journalism 3(Newspaper)
A3- AP Us History
A4- AP English 11

B1- Honors Chemistry
B2- Advanced Drawing
B3- Honors Trig
B4- FOT(Foundations of Tech.) A dumb required class to graduate.

In case the world of Harford County schedules don't make sense to you, we have A and B days, each with 4 classes everyday being 90minutes long. I like it alot better than those 7 classes everyday type schedules, I'm not a fan of daily classes.
Now sure, I do have alot of fun classes in there. Advanced drawing and painting, I'm really excited to have an advanced art class everyday this year. Also, being on the newspaper staff is exciting, it's alot of fun, I enjoy the whole world of journalism. It certainly is a topic I could possibly see myself going to college for if the whole "Premed" doesn't work out.

But yeah, between 2 college classes(AP,) running cross country and swimming, spending time with Greg<3, looking for a job for car payments, and just trying to have time to film, edit, read, and write in my free time it's going to be difficult this year. I'll needs lots of Chipotle and Rita's to get me through this year.